Don't get your hopes up because I won't stop my world from turning just for you.

---

I'm tired of playing mind games with myself, tired of of taking stupid chances. I'm tired of having to do so much in so little time that my brain aches and my body refuses to cooperate. I'm tired of having so much pent up that I burst the moment anyone asks what is on my mind. This is somewhat dangerous. I can't keep telling everyone what is happening in my life. I won't have anything left to myself. Tears help only because for a while, the frustrations go out instead of going in.

Crowded thoughts, crowded life.

It's like it's never going to end. I want to stop thinking about everything for just one day. Maybe then I'd probably be alright.

Only one month to go until summer. This semester is just going to bleed me dry.

Imahe
11:14 pm

I am drifting down no man's land
with pen in hand, my weary eyes half shut
and comes your beautiful face
between flitting eyelids
wind caressed
and reminiscent of diana's bitter smiles
the darkness swallows us whole

with you,
sleep is my narcotic.


Dalawa
11:28 pm

do i even know the difference
between you and you
my heart
it beats for no one
it hurts for no one
and yet you are still here
making everything harder

but i don't see either weeping.


Old Sneakers
11:33 pm

I walked instead of taking the jeep today
remembering that you always walk
but why do I even bother?
I hate the discomfort of your presence
my smiles are less genuine
my feeble jokes make me laugh at myself
for being a fool.
I walked because you walk and nothing more.


I am out of words.

You made me believe that I was stupid for all the tears I ever shed. Because of you I am now afraid of every guy that I ever become friends with. Afraid that history would repeat itself and I would be left with scars that time and fading memory cannot erase. And for me, it isn't that easy to forget.

You on the other hand seem to have moved on to the perfect life. I envy you that. I envy the ease with which you have started to love someone and your being loved back so completely and so quickly. I don't think you're worth half as much. You talk of love like it is some toy to be played with, of women like they are possessions to be owned and dropped when you grow restless. It's guys like you that make me believe and expect the worst from men. You've given me so many ghosts to face.

Damn you for tearing me apart. Damn you for giving me this hangover. Damn you for never trying hard enough. Damn you for making me talk clichés. Damn you for it not being your fault.

At the tender age of 16, my insecurities of being single since birth have set in for good. I could not go long without either shuddering at some form of public display of affection or muttering "gag me with a fork" under my breath. Lying to myself helped. I pretended I wasn't affected as much as I really was.

The end of 2005 older and not much more mature, I had transformed into a perky, cheerleader-type still unattached but happy without the "chained" label. It's funny though how we cannot pretend for long.

Febuary and here I am, older and not much more mature, still unattached, less perky but still on a psychological suger high at times, unhappier but not suicidal by any means.

Life will be as it wants. I can't have what I want now if it isn't the time nor the place that God has intended for my perfect love story. But what is wrong in being single? Nothing at all. I am just one of the thousands of girl-women who cry, question their lives and torment their souls over their single-since-birth-ness. I am only one of the many who have asked themselves "Is something wrong with me?" at one point in life. Well, the answer is simply "nothing". The only reason anyone wouldn't love to love me is that I act like a kid or look too intimidating. But who cares? As long as a guy is smart enough to look under the facade I put up and realize who I really am and love me for it... he is worth every single moment of waiting.

 

"The time has come," the walrus said.
"to talk of many things..."

Well, it has been long in coming and though with so much hesitation and regret, i would have to say it is time to move on. Realizing this was simple enough. All I had to do is look, and what I saw (though I did not like it) I have accepted and in some way have been expecting all along.

He broke my heart, yes. But for all the world I would not change anything that has happened. Not in a million years. I am a fool for many things. And this is indeed one of the worst cases of voluntary blindness to the truth that I have ever inflicted upon myself. I slipped up, I carried on. And though I may be sadder, I am all the wiser.

I wish I could tell him everything but I know I can't because it would be selfish bringing up so much so late. I blame no one, not even myself.

In a way, I'm glad it is all over. I can be so much more without that burden hanging over me like a rain cloud waiting to burst. But I do not want anything else now but to be without distractions. I might have lost a little of me along the way and I want to reacquaint myself to my life.

Single and beautiful... all the way.

I have reached breaking point. You know... the point that you realize that you've gotten yourself stuck in the muck of responsibility and emotional stress that you don't know how much longer you can hold out? The moment the world stops, your head spins and all your problems twist in and out of each other so you don't know where to start? The split second the ache in your brain becomes an ache in your heart and it is so bad that you start running. Running away from everything and everyone and the tears just won't stop.

But it never works, does it? I can't run away from my life. And I'm so freaking tired. I'm tired physically, emotionally, spiritually, academically... haha. But I still have time to laugh at myself, don't I?

What doesn't help is when you feel your world is so chaotic and you can't explain it to anyone else because they wouldn't understand how much it hurts or how much you've really (I mean, really) been through.

I need sleep. Only I wish I could sleep until March.

---

It is agony
The way we love and lose
The way we get what we wanted
But never needed
The way something so simple
Turns so hard
The way pain becomes tears
The way we turn numb
When everything else fails us

The way documents are lost when you
accidentally press the no button instead
of the yes button when Word asks if you want
to save it.

:P

Some moments in life just force you to think. You may not want to but you have to.

But then again, I'm only 19. 

Check out my livejournal for the full story! haha.

Twelve and ticking past
I love my crumpled feather down
and the gentle electric breeze
silence like a soul in my ear
singing me lullabyes.

Is it possible for someone to not know when someone else is in love with them? I am afraid it is. Men make it possible. Men have eyes that cannot see the simplicity of a look. Men have ears that cannot fathom the reason for a sigh.  And they have hearts that cannot understand the complexity of a tear.

Don't worry, I'm not in love, as perhaps most of you are wishing I were. I was just remembering the way things used to be.

I am too hyper these days. Too peppy, too loud, too bouncy, too curious, too excited. I  don't know why either.

---

Yesterday at football training, we (girls team) played with UP Manila. It was raining hard and my eyes hurt. I slipped three times. Mud bath. And some clump from the other team socked me in the mouth. My head was jolted and until now, my jaw aches when I chew.

---

Kacey and I went "Biluging". In other words, we went down to the QC Circle for our "recce"... scouting out the location for interesting events, people and sights for our documentary. So far we've attended a Christmas party at the Century Club, talked to a kuya selling colorful birds in cages, watched a chess match, invaded a rappelling class for guys, gotten ambushed by a group of kung-fu artists and witnessed the carnage that is the group of high school kids trying to dance with wooden hoops.

---

Christmas break in 5 days!