Coming back to my blogdrive and reading all my old entries brings back so many memories. And in spite of myself, it is a smile and not a frown that I find on my lips.

And this is why I will keep this blog alive. But I will still keep on dream walking.

"Damn roses," he muttered. He didn't stop. Nothing he did with the roses seemed just right.

Then it hit me. "This will never be enough, will it? I will never be enough." It wasn't a question.

more? dreamwalk this way.

I'm learning. It's scary but we all have to make the choice to walk the line some day.

Here's me... walking.

I'm sick. Ah, woe is me!

The semester is finally, finally over. Our professor in Art Studies 175 sent us a last minute exam through the internet on Tuesday and our deadline was this morning. Geeeeeez! Annoying. Are they even allowed to do that?

Anyway, I'm sick and I'm thinking about going to the UpDarmaDown gig later... Naaah. Never mind. I'll just sit in front of the telly, watch re-runs on ETC and eat fried junk. Haha.

---

Mind and heart torn apart, could it be any harder?

 

It's so early on but I'm already failing miserably
my mind can't be made up so easily
It's so simple to listen to everyone else and believe their truths
But why is it so hard to listen to me?

---

AAAAGH!! dilemma dilemma.

A long talk with Reynaline this morning after church has got my mind spinning. I've just realized how indecisive I actually am. I no longer feel any real definite emotions anymore. Or at least I can't decide what to feel.

God give me a sign.

uber
march 13 06, 12:30 pm

the stage is set
and the actors posed
for the play of plays
i give you
this, the monster's ball
humanity enveloped
and swallowed whole
our flesh against flesh
bid the reaper's call

the heat of bodies
mindlessly driven
cattle-like
into their oblivion.


sewing
jan 14 06, 11:14 pm

heart held
by needle and thread
torn and patchwork done
i leave my being
soul bared
mascara stained
and waiting.


and one of the very few poems that actually rhyme somewhat:

willful amnesia
nov 20 2005, 2:30 am

in pain and cloud of tear
you and i grown distant fear
that all has come undone
our lives no longer move as one
i cannot know what secrets lie
or which are hidden behind veiled eye
and what i have unlearnt i despise
for lack of word or truth from you
now a person i never knew.

I can't help the feeling that someday I will hurt someone I love.

---

the aida game
feb 12 06, 9:12 pm

it is wilted
the rose that stole my heart
and the smile that made
everything right.

moment
(an excerpt)
march 25 05, 12:28 am

Not the truth
But your truth
Your own blissful reconstruction
Of what you want it to be
You loving someone
With all your soul can ever give
And his loving you in return
Not forever unrequited
As usual
But simply content
With just being loved.

---

Despite this, I have no plans. I'm not making any sense and I have no reason to.

the silence is screaming in my ear
expected yet somewhat unwelcome.

---

Eskinita
1:37 am

today i learn what i've missed
the gushing forth of a new soul
tearing me apart
in more ways than one


Sugod
10:22 pm

the dam is broken
and the gates open forth
upon the bewildered land
and in the confusion
we forge on
forgetting on the way
the reason for this passion

there must be more than this
monotonous weeping of the mind.

Mind Game
11:59 pm

the world takes from me
what i do not own
what i cannot give
bleeding me
taking me whole


Sunburn
12:02 am

i saw you somewhere in the crowd
head bent in concentration, frowning
oblivious to the world
you were a sore thumb
in the midst of the confusion
i willed you to look my way
but i couldn't catch your eye
you were too caught up in yourself.


Duwag
12:11 am

i heard the news
saw the lines, watched the crowd
my mind paralyzed,
waiting for them to show themselves
and take us to the death
knowing that it was wrong
i took up the pen but never signed my name.

Don't get your hopes up because I won't stop my world from turning just for you.

---

I'm tired of playing mind games with myself, tired of of taking stupid chances. I'm tired of having to do so much in so little time that my brain aches and my body refuses to cooperate. I'm tired of having so much pent up that I burst the moment anyone asks what is on my mind. This is somewhat dangerous. I can't keep telling everyone what is happening in my life. I won't have anything left to myself. Tears help only because for a while, the frustrations go out instead of going in.

Crowded thoughts, crowded life.

It's like it's never going to end. I want to stop thinking about everything for just one day. Maybe then I'd probably be alright.

Only one month to go until summer. This semester is just going to bleed me dry.